I have an interesting job...perhaps I'm being presumptuous, but I don't think most people hear things like this from their customers... Today my patients said to me:

"I have figured out 37 ways to destroy you" (he was kidding...right?)

"you don't know evil...you still have all your fingers" (same guy)

"you make me feel good when you laugh" (not the same guy)

"I haven't seen you in your birthday suit!" (from a patient regarding a set of scrubs I ordered myself for my birthday)

I asked my first patient (and least favorite) of the day if he had been experiencing any shortness of breath. He replied "only when I see you, my dear" As I continued my assessment he answered only in song. Yes, that's right. I'd ask him if he'd had any chest pain, been to the hospital or emergency room, all that kinda stuff. And he'd sing at me. Sing at me! Ohhhhh God. *rubs eyes and shakes head sadly*

Later Marisol and I went on our break. We were unprepared as usual and had no silverware. Now I've worked a few places in my time. They've all supplied luxuries like plastic utensils, cups, and office supplies. Yes, office supplies. Well, Satellite isn't into that, really. Marisol and I decided we must not be qualified to handle or use plastic utensils in the approved manner. And office supplies? I mean, could we really be trusted to use them in proper aseptic technique? I mean my God! Cross contamination, people!!! We don't allow pockets on the lab coats and we're certainly not going to allow frivolous office supplies like pens, paper, and hole puncher thingy thing things.

Seriously. My first job in medicine was when I was 19 years old. I worked at a methadone clinic drawing the new admits' blood. Methadone, for those who don't know, is a synthetic opiate that is widely used in clinics to help drug addicts (mostly IV) get off the illegal drugs they're on. The funny thing about this is, most of the people there were still happily on their heroin. The vast majority even. Methadone, it seems, is cheaper than heroin. And not only that, but while Medi Cal won't directly pay for heroin, they will pay for methadone. So what you're looking at as the average junkie on the street is spending your SSI or welfare check on heroin and your Medi Cal dough on methadone. Nice, no? And you still have food stamps to trade for alcohol or actually eat with if you're together enough to do so. Sweet. For the junkies not fortunate (or together) enough to be approved for medi cal, there are other ways to get your state funded methadone. The drug is administered in a liquid suspension, usually some kind of icky fruit punch sorta thing. So in some places our approved junkies who have a hankering for heroin more than methadone will take the drug, hold it in their mouth, walk outside, spit it into a cup and sell it. Mmm mmm good, baby. Smaller and better run clinics don't particularly care for this, they are very careful about who gets the drug, when, how, and they make damn sure the clients swallow it before they leave the dosing window. So if you're going to a well run place, it can be very difficult to get your methadone.

The moral of this story is that it was easier for junkies to come in off the street and get something that is arguably as strong as heroin than it is for me to find a pen to chart my patients' treatments at work.

:-) G'nite seepyheads....