Time Flies

Two years ago tonight I joined myself to another person for life. I deeply meant what I vowed, but I was alone in my intent, although I wouldn't know that for a couple of months. It only lasted a bit more than three months past today. I still remember how it all started to fall apart, but it was a few weeks before I knew how bad things were. Even then, it was just a glimmer. There was, and probably is, always more lies to discover, more pain to feel. When I finally understood that I was the only one who the vows meant anything to, I decided to stay. I chose this because I always knew that when I married someone it was going to be forever, problems or no. And so I went forward knowing that I was accepting a hell of a lot of heartache for this person I loved so much. I put everything I had into that union, and it damn near killed me. I've learned a lot since then, both about what went on and about myself. I've built myself a new life, moved way, way on. I know rationally that a vow is only as good as the people making it, and one can't make it for both of them. But you know? I think that for the rest of my life I'm going to feel the shame of yet another fucked up relationship. And not just any, the only one that really mattered. At the time I remember feeling the people I cared about doubting my relationship with Kristin, and even more when we had the ceremony. I remember wanting to show them all that I could make it work. But you know? They were right. Happy two years.