I'm listening to sick icky nasty music. It's cool, I used to dance to it at the club in Molesto... It's kinda revolting and intriguing all wrapped up in one entertaining package. Keen.

So tonight I went out to dinner with my mom and then shopping. Yayyy! I have a coat now! I dunno what happened to my fabulous pea coat, it was still in fine shape, but I think it got lost in one of my moves. Damn. Anywho, I found a smashing deal on a really warm coat at the Divine Old Navy. *angels singing* Annnd, even more importantly than a warm coat, it was so good to spend time with my mom. Just spending time with my parents makes me feel better.

Grrrr!!! Where the hell was Lito today?! Punk-o. I'm waiting for him to tell me for sure that he got me that recommendation at the other dialysis place in Rosa-Roo. I'm going to work there per diem for like $20+ an hour. That's a lot of money, damn it! Especially when it isn't all being taken away in OT taxes. Anyway, Lito is getting me a recommendation from this chick that's been there since God wore short pants, but I don't want to turn in my resume packet until I know for sure he's spoken with her. The last thing I need is to list her and then have her turn 'round and say "who the the hell is this chick?!" Somehow I'm thinking that could be bad. Yeahhhh.... So my Lito Pie was s'posed to be there today so I could make sure and egads! He was not. I'm going to beat him up. Grrrrr...........

You are Sir Bedevere! Wise and creative, you are
able to counsel others as well as come up with
some really ingenious plans of attack...sort
of.

Which Monty Python & the Holy Grail Character are you REALLY?
brought to you by

Space Mountain: A thrilling rocket ride through the
darkness of outer space! Futuristic and
forward thinking, you have just enough 2001-esk
elements without escaping Walt Disney's utopian
vision for a brighter tomorrow. You represent
speed, stealthness, and the promise of
technology, while your Dick Dale surf guitar
riff of a soundtrack makes you retro and
mysterious, without being corny. Keep the
lights low and avoid revealing too much, lest
you ruin the show, you're only going 28 mph!
Regardless of speed, you prove that in the
vacuum in space, you CAN hear people scream!

What Disneyland attraction are you?
brought to you by

"You must remember this, a kiss is still a
kiss". Your romance is Casablanca. A
classic story of love in trying times, chock
full of both cynicism and hope. You obviously
believe in true love, but you're also
constantly aware of practicality and societal
expectations. That's not always fun, but at
least it's realistic. Try not to let the Nazis
get you down too much.

What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by

Mysterious, elegant, creative and calmYou are a sprite of the Water. Creative and one of
the most beautiful of sprites, you strike
wonder and curiosity into the hearts and minds
of all. Even though you are capable of
attraction and seduction you are way above all
that, you understand the true meaning of life
and are very open and understanding of life's
mysteries, most likely you are one of them. You
are respectful of all ways of life and do not
judge one due to their position or station in
life. You are gifted in the ways of
understanding and given the chance are usually
full of good, wise advice but your not the type
to take the stand and express such things. Your
laid back nature can be troubling, you don't
take many risks and prefer to keep things as
they are. You are one of the most unique of
sprites.

.::=What type of mythical Sprite are you?=::. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by

Fairy tales, your love will be like an imaginary
story, you love to love, you believe you have
only one soul mate is waiting for you some
where in this world and you are sure you will
find them one day, and when you do you will
make them the happiest in the whole world.

Where will you find love?
brought to you by

You are Belle from Beauty and the Beast!

What Disney Princess are you?
brought to you by

YAYYYYYY for payday!

WOOHOOOOO!!! Hot damn! I finally broke a grand on my paycheck! Sad, I know. But cool, nonetheless. So I wanted to go out with Gotti-Pie, right? I wanted to go to the mall and watch people behave like animals the day after Thanksgiving. 'Tis the season, you know. Jason is the prime person to accompany me for such activities, he's just like me. I do this almost every year. What can I say, it tickles me. But alas, the bastard was of course not answering his phone alllllllllll day. So I made other plans, and they suit me fine, right? But then, naturally, Gotti rings this afternoon and wants to go out. Faaaabulous. Anyway, we're going tomorrow. People will still be behaving badly, I'm certain of it. Ducky.

done

finally about to finish the unfinished...

K and I recently exchanged a few of the only functional and honest bits of conversation in our almost two year relationship. There was essentially no abuse, and no lies or head games that I am aware of. And that, my friends, is the best that I or anyone else can ever expect from Kristin.

I've been thinking a lot about what happened, this time last year is when it was all ending. And so it ended, but it was never finished. I was afraid to finish it, I didn't think I could. I'm still afraid, but I will finish it now. I am finally going to sever all ties with Kristin, and for good. I see that what I've been doing for the past year has been nothing more than an extension of what I did for the months before I left. I held on, wanting to keep whatever I could of her for as long as I possibly could without killing myself. After a while I knew that leaving was inevitable, but I wanted to stay as long as I possibly could. And now I need to stop it.

I want for this to be the final step that makes the pain and the questions nothing more than memories. I'm thinking that this is unrealistic, even as badly as I want it. And so I'm working to accept that it's just another step. I've only had to make this particular step once before, when I finally had the truck packed and I finally got in and headed out of town. And now I'm doing it again, only this time it's a little easier, because I have rebuilt the rest of my life. So here goes, once more and then never again.

Parking Attendants and Security Guards...Julie's Rant of the Week

"It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value."
Arthur C. Clarke (1917-)

One summer when I was a little girl, the house that we lived in was inundated with a particularly large amount of flies. They were everywhere, it seemed, and it aggravated me. One day I questioned my mother as to what possible good these filthy little insects could serve. Ever wise and patient, she responded that everything has a purpose, even the flies. Even if it wasn't immediately obvious, it was there nonetheless.

The other day I was reminded of something that has irritated me for some time now. I went to meet Jill, parked in the Barnes and Noble parking lot, and was confronted with the source of my vexation. It seems that there is a parking attendent for this tiny lot. It is his job to....well, that has yet to be determined officially. You see, in his advanced age he finds it necessary to cling to what he considers productive life. He has a job. He sits on a lawn chair and wears a safari hat strikingly similar to the one that the guy on Wild Kingdom used to wear. Periodically he gets up and blocks traffic amiably talking to some pitying person trying desperately to escape and drive away. Now I'll grant you that I'm no expert at the parking attendant game. I have no personal experience or training, I must admit. But shouldn't he be perhaps directing parking? Shouldn't he be assuring that the patrons of his vast kingdom that is a parking lot be patrons, too, of the businesses that own the private lot? And shouldn't he be assuring that people park reasonably well, as opposed to taking up two spots? Evidently not. Some slob in an SUV took up two places right directly in front of the damned lawn chair, our friend didn't even acknowledge me when I drove in to find my spot (maybe he saw the look of contempt on my face and was frightened....), and he didn't see that I completely ignored the businesses who own the lot and went instead to a coffee shop on the opposite block.

This phenomenon is all too common, a symptom of a pitying society. Our society feels that we must pity and indulge these members of the elderly population in their regression to almost childlike incompetence. It's sad, really. The people were at one time presumably competent. As functioning members of society they would never have accepted handout jobs like this and congratulations for working, being praised like children who remembered to brush their teeth. Unfortunately the problem is more serious. While parking attendents are unimportant, unable to do any real damage, many elderly people are allowed to take jobs of importance.

My first direct exposure to this was when I was just starting out in medicine. My first job was at a methadone clinic, working as a phlebotomist and receptionist. For anyone unfamiliar with methadone, it a widely used synthetic opiate used (in theory) to assist heroin and other opiate abusers to stop using their illegal drugs. So what you find in a methadone clinic is a bunch of addicted people going through extremely severe physical and psychological withdrawals. Anyone can be an addict, anyone can have a problem. There were business people, mothers and fathers, grandparents, and of course the stereotypical homeless. Mental illness and drug addiction go hand in hand, dozens of other health problems correlate with it as well. So what we're looking at here is a large group of people with very large likelihood of violence, mental illness events, and emotional upset. So a security guard would be advisable, certainly. And while we're at it, let's choose one that is somewhat cultured and civilized, at least enough to comprehend that these are not in fact social deviants, animals for all intensive purposes, and who would treat them accordingly. Well it seems that this kind of security guard was in short supply when I worked there. We had a man who was in his 80's, shorter than me, and a biggot. Yep. MmmmHmmm. This put us, our clients, and least importantly, the old man all in danger. Danger! And why? Because someone felt sorry for the bastard. This is lunacy...really.

music

Music is an amazing thing. Have you ever smelled something only to have it transport you back to some other time, good or bad, vivid and kind of sad and lonely, one way or the other? Tonight I played some music that I held very close to me and listened to during some of the most difficult times I have yet seen. These times were so hard, in fact, that I inadvertently repressed all but the bare bones of the times and as much of the correlated emotions as I could possibly bury. It's buried to the point that now that I feel safe enough to feel what I need to feel, I cannot. So tonight I downloaded some music and was kinda scared to play it. Turns out I was right to be scared. This music that I so associate with these times brought me back to moments of...
It was like a time machine, I could feel the cold of the rooms, the car, the cold night air. I could smell the scents, I could taste the tastes, all for a few moments, brought on by a song.

Incredible.

coool...

So I finally discovered the good in the vaulted ceiling of my apartment and those huge triangular windows that lead up to it. All summer long it served as a magnifying glass to bake my apartment and its inhabitants, myself included of course. But today I have a beautiful view, gorgeous cold blue skies, beautiful broken white fluffy clouds all the way across. Stunning.

they deserve it.

http://apnews.excite.com/article/20041109/D868L8EO0.html

"In our family, happy usually involves gunfire and at least two patrol cars showing up."

Randy K. Milholland

angel

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance, for a break that would make it okay. There's always some reason to feel not good enough, and it's hard, at the end of the day. I need some distraction, Oh, beautiful release. Memories seep from my veins. Let me be empty, Oh, and weightless, And maybe I'll find some peace tonight. In the arms of the angel, fly away from here, from this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you feel. You are pulled from the wreckage, Of your silent reverie. You're in the arms of the angel, may you find some comfort here. So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn, there's vultures and thieves at your back. The storm keeps on twisting. Keep on building the lies that you make up for all that you lack. Don't make no difference, escape one last time. It's easier to believe in this sweet madness, Oh, this glorious sadness, that brings me to my knees. You're in the arms of the angel, may you find some comfort here.

hmmm

I just wrote this whole big long blog that was starkly honest, kinda deep and not terribly happy. It was painful to write, probably depressing to read, but very much how I feel. I wasn't even finished with it, but guess what? It's gone. Egads. Comp had to restart. Yikes. How...ugh.
So why, you ask, was I writing it if it was so miserable and painful? Because I'm tired, I got like three hours of sleep last night.

It started out harmless enough...

The moral of this entry? If you want to get to the heart of me, get me when I'm sleep deprived.

I Hate Days.

Grrrr. So I told Gabrielle today that I wanted back on nights as soon as Paul and/or Shannon were trained. It occurred to me to do this because oh, I don't know, she SAID I COULD!!! Well it seems that since then, things have changed. Now she's essentially sticking me on days forever, it appears. Fuck that! I'm angry because I let her fuck me around all the time, I didn't even complain when she moved me to days, and this is how she repays me. By fucking me one more time. So my friend Craig is going to nights, and I'm going to be stuck with the lame-o day crap while everyone else has fun on nights with my cool patients and my cool friends. Great. Absolutely beautiful, no? Gorgeous.

In happier news we're going to see The Saw tonight. Keen. LOL I was just whining to Craig about work, right? And he's like "I know, we're both bummed out, but we're about to go see a movie where someone gets sawed in half, that'll cheer us up!" God I love this man. He knows me so well.

music: It's My Life by the purralicious No Doubt

days off are swell

So I took Sir Winston to the dog park today, he ran around like a maniac until he wore himself out, then off to the vet we went. The new vet is DIVINE! Very sweet to the furkid, and he didn't even charge me for the visit. Annnnd, he's going to order like 1,000 pills for the boy and save me tons of money by getting it bulk. Keen.

So Bryan took my speakers, the end table, and my lamps. LOL Just think how I'll save on electricity! Damn, now I gotta buy some...hmmm. The dvd player is kinda no good to me now. Bloody hell, I wanted to see the Butterfly Effect and Big Fish. Blah.

So now, my little friend Craig is on his way over to watch movies. Just non-dvd type movies now... :-P

wow...

http://www.rotten.com/library/bio/entertainers/music/michael-jackson/

woo! woo!

SUPPLIES!!!!!

Today was good, finally. I'm still sick, but not so much. Today at work actually went smoothly! WEIRD! I think it's because we had a primarily good staff. Until Jay came in; honest to GOD!!!! Grr. Anywho, Devorah is fabulous, this was the first time I actually worked a shift with her I think, it was fab. She wants to set me up with this nurse friend of hers. Cool. We'll see....

So I'm s'posed to go see a movie later maybe, I'm not sure. Gotta see if Mr. Finish What You Started calls like he said he would. If not I'm going to finish my movies I rented yesterday, although none could be as faboo as Lost in Translation. I watched Monster yesterday, right? Did I write about this already? Well aside from the oh so hot Christina Ricci in a lesbiano role, it was horrific! Depressing as hell, sad, sad, sad. So today I have Big Fish and ummm...oh, the Butterfly Effect. Mmmm, movies and tea...sounds ducky.

Gotta take Winston to the vet tomorrow to get mas meds. Because you know I can soooo afford it, right? Good God. Totally crikey style, huh Rachel?

music: Suga Suga by Baby Beesh...........ohhhhhhhhhhhh so fabulous

I'm in love

Anyone who frequents my blog knows that when I fall in love with people it turns out badly, and yet I am in love all over again. *giggle* This time, however, it's with a movie. I just saw Lost in Translation. I think it's almost my new favorite movie...ohhhh I adore it to death. It's the most stunningly gorgeous film I've seen since Blue.

I rented a few movies to watch while I'm here on my deathbed, right? So I'm walking around the video store trying to find something that doesn't suck when I saw the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I giggled. A friend of mine thought it was real, a true story and all. He looked it up online to find out more. He realized he was an idiot shortly thereafter. LMAO It still kills me. He was like "I'm such a dork!!!" ROFL Yes, that would be my assessment, too.

Marisol is the most evil, hateful, sadistic girl I know. She just called me and told me that my dog was having a seizure. This is actually plausible, he has a seizure disorder. I'm sitting here freaking out because I can't afford to take him to the vet when she's like "HAHAHA He's FINE!!!" And then proceeds to laugh her ass off for the next ten minutes. Ugghhhhh. You know, if I weren't warped and mean spirited myself I'd almost be mad.

Hmmm, I wonder where my posts went? Greaaaat. Okay...let's see if I can remember...

I whined about being sick again, whined about not feeling good enough to go see The Grudge with Marisol...

I was glad this cold explained feeling smarmy all week, especially yesterday. I'd hate to feel this way for no reason.

Annnnd, I recovered all the great music I lost when I left Kristin! I downloaded all the songs I missed without having to pay for them, and without getting all the songs I didn't like. Cooooool.

In other smashing news, WOOHOOO! I was FINALLY called on to fix someone else's needle problems. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy! And, for the record, I did, and swimmingly at that. Eeeeeee!
Of course now I'll probably infiltrate everyone I even look at tomorrow.

:-P

lullaby

I spy something begining with S.......On candystripe legs the spiderman comesSoftly through the shadow of the evening sunStealing past the windows of the blissfully deadLooking for the victim shivering in bedSearching out fear in the gathering gloom andSuddenly!A movement in the corner of the room!And there is nothing I can doAnd I realise with frightThat the spiderman is having me for dinner tonight!Quietly he laughs and shaking his headCreeps closer nowCloser to the foot of the bedAnd softer than shadow and quicker than fliesHis arms are around me and his tongue in my eyesBe still be calm be quiet now my precious boyDon't struggle like that or I will only love you more But it's much too late to get away or turn on the lightThe spiderman is having you for dinner tonightAnd I feel like I'm being eatenBy a thousand million shivering furry holesAnd I know that in the morning I will wake upIn the shivering coldThe spiderman is always hungry...

love song

Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel Like I am home again Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel Like I am young again Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am fun again However far away, I will always love you, However long I stay, I will always love you, Whatever words I say, I will always love you, I will always love you Whenever I'm alone with you, You make me feel like I am free again, Whenever I'm alone with you, You make me feel like I am clean again However far away, I will always love you, However long I stay, I will always love you, Whatever words I say, I will always love you, I will always love you

this close to me

I've waited hours for this I've made myself so sickI wish I'd stayed asleep today I never thought this day would end I never thought tonight could ever be This close to me Just try to see in the dark Just try to make it work To feel the fear before you're here I make the shapes come much too close I pull my eyes out Hold my breath And wait until I shake...But if I had your faith Then I could make it safe and clean If only I was sure That my hand on the door was a dream I've waited hours for this I've made myself so sick I wish I'd stayed asleep today I never thought this day would end I never thought tonight could ever be This close to me But if I had your faith I could make it safe and clean If only I was sure That my hand on the door Was a dream

just like heaven

Show me, show me, show me How you do that trick The one that makes me scream, she said The one that makes me laugh, she said And threw her arms around my neck Show me how you do it And I promise you, I promise that I'll run away with you I'll run away with you Spinning on that dizzy edge I kissed her face, I kissed her neck And dreamed of all the different waysI had to make her glow Why are you so far away, she said Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you, That I'm in love with you? You... soft and only You... lost and lonely You... strange as angels Dancing in the deepest oceans Twisting in the water, you're just like a dream Just like a dream Daylight licked me into shape I must have been asleep for days And moving lips to breathe her name I opened up my eyes I find myself alone, alone, alone Above a raging sea That stole the only girl I loved And drowned her deep inside of me. You... soft and only You... lost and lonely You... just like heaven

on my way up north
up on the ventura
i pulled back the hood
and i was talking to you
and i knew then it would be
a life long thing
but i didn't know that we
we could break a silver lining
and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you
things you said that day
up on the 101
the girl had come undone
i tried to downplay it
with a bet about us
you said that-you'd take it
as long as i could
i could not erase it
and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you
and i ride along side
and i rode along side
you then
and i rode along side
till you lost me there
in the open road
and i rode along side
till the honey spread
itself so thin
for me to break your bread
for me to take your word
i had to steal it
and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you

i could pick back up
whenever i feel

down new mexico way
something about
the open road
i knew that he was
looking for some indian blood and
find a little in you find a little
in me we may be
on this road but
we're just
impostors
in this country you know
so we go along and we said
we'd fake it
feel better with
oliver stone
till i
almost smacked him -seemed right that night and
i don't know what
takes hold
out there in the
desert cold
these guys think they must
try and just get over on us
and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this
day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you
and i was ridin' by
ridin' along side
for a while till you lost me
and i was ridin' by
ridin' along till you lost me
till you lost
me inthe rearview
you lost me
i said
way up north i took my day
all in all was a pretty nice
day and i put the hood
right back where
you could taste heaven
perfectly
feel out the summer breeze
didn't know when we'd be back
and i, i don't
didn't think
we'd end up like
like this

Yiiiiikes. I’m stressed, stressed, stressed…I’m beyond broke, I’m mildly unhappy, worried sick about finding a place for Winston, and to top it all off, I have a headache and my stupid blog site won’t load so I have to type this up in word! I feel like everything that I want and need is just out of reach. I have some major changes that I need to make and I don’t seem to have it in me to make them. I’m not pleased with life at the moment… The good news, however, is that my house is clean. Hey, I gotta take what I can get!

Route 66

I think I've decided the vacation plans. I'm totally going to do the road trip thing. Wonder how much it'd be to rent a car for that length of time? Or an SUV, specifically... Of course as my mother just reminded me I'd be driving through during a nasty weather period...hmmmm. Damn, now I don't know anymore. Benny thinks I'd get murdered if I go by myself. But I want to drive, damn it!!! Any suggestions anyone? Or does anyone want to go?

my little friend

So I'm im-ing my tech support guy, Benny. He's pretty damn funny, and awfully sweet. How entertaining. And for the record, he isn't racist!! SMASHING! We'll keep him, won't we? I don't know how he does his job. I'd wanna murder, or at least sterilize probably 98% of the callers I got. Egads, my blood pressure would be over the top when I got off work, I'd give myself a stroke. LOL But then most people aren't quite as impatient as me, are they? I think we can all thank God for that.

Hmm, I got a headache, and it feels like it wants to be a migraine. Hope not, I have to pick up Winston later today, and do something with him, not sure what.

grrr

Damn, Sean's out of jail for the moment, and he's back with my mom and dad. Woohoo, just what they need. Turns out I'm glad Winston isn't going there, I don't want him anywhere near Sean. Blah.

So I'm still emailing back and forth with my little tech support guy, he's very sweet, a boxer owner, I approve. *smile*