I still can't find my keys. I'm thinking that the time has come to move on and get new ones, but I really kinda don't want to. And damn, that Honda key is worth like $80. Yikes. So I've been up since 8am. This is never a good thing, in case you were curious. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of the semester with this tuesday schedule. Blah. This is the point that comes every semester where I wonder what the hell I was thinking.

I'm freaking out

I don't know if it's just that I watched a horror flick this morning or what, but I'm seriously kinda freaked out. My keys are missing. My house is very small, how many places could they possibly be? I've looked everywhere, under the furniture, on counters, under couch cushions, evvverywhere. No keys. Fozzie is missing, too. Well, sorta. He meows when I call him, but he doesn't come. It isn't like him. And while I was out smoking I could hear rustling coming from the neighbor's yard, but it sounded too big to be el Fozzie. Since the car is still here I'm assuming Fozzie didn't take the keys to steal the car, but who knows? Maybe he's waiting 'til I go to bed so he can get a good start before I ring up the fuzz. Okay, so my seriousness lapsed a bit there, but really, where the hell could my keys be? Any psycho coulda picked them up if I dropped them outside and would be waiting for me to go to sleep to come in and off me. Christ, what's wrong with me? Paranoid much? I know this all sounds stupid, I just have a bad feeling for some reason.

Road Trip 2005-The Way Down

Didn't think you were gonna get it, didja? Dahahaha! Fooled you! The fact is that if I don't write it tonight, it just isn't going to happen. Somehow it's fitting to write this on my first day back to work. *sigh* Maybe it'll make me feel a little better, no? Here goes...

Road Trip Theme Songs, '05

1.)Miles from Nowhere, Cat Stevens
2.)Running Down a Dream, Tom Petty
3.)Learning to Fly, Tom Petty
4.)Leaving Las Vegas, Sheryl Crow
5.)Just What I Needed, The Cars
6.)You Might Think, The Cars
7.)Car Song, Elastica
8.)The Rain, Missy Elliot
9.)The Road's My Middle Name, Bonnie Rait
10.)Don't Fear The Reaper, Blue Oyster Cult


The Way Down...
*CharBurger
*Green Acres Christian Church
*rest stop placement
* semis
*Swiss Holiday Motel
*Lucky the Beaver
*what the hell is a Rogue?!
*I Heart 24hrs.
*no more turning back
*porn on 5
*state lines
*iceburg lettuce
*Homeward Bound

Charburger-
Okay, call me stupid, but since when is it a good thing to char something? When I char something I toss that crap away! So at what point do we go from throwing the shit out to advertising it? *furrows brow* I'm cornfused.

Green Acres Church-
Thanks to the Green Acres Church of Sprague, Washington. They pass out free coffee at the rest stop there. Cool, huh? I needed it, too. I was seriously sleep deprived.

rest stop placement-
Why do they put two rest stops within 9 miles and then none for 88? Weird.

semis-
I saw maybe 84,000,000 semis on my trip. Many of them were carrying big, weird things. Like, different big weird things, not the same kinda things. And some just had 2 or 3 huge trailers they were pulling. I always wonder. What the hell are the big weird things for, where are they going, and what do said big weird things do? I decided there should be signs accompanying trucks like this explaining their business. Mmhmm.

Swiss Holiday Motel-
Okay so JUST below the Oregon border and right next to Mt. Shasta is a place called the Swiss Holiday Motel. What I'm wondering is, why when you're in one of the most beautiful places California has to offer would you want to stay at a place named for somewhere else entirely? I mean, I can imagine if you were staying in say, Barstow or Oakland or something, you'd be very interested in being someplace else. But Shasta? Egads.

Lucky the Beaver-
My car has a new mascot. Hell, I have a new mascot. Back when I performed in the Ren Faire, my guild's mascot was Lucky the Beaver. We were known as the Babe Guild, of course. Anywho, it is customary at the end of the faire season to pass out favors to your friends. One year our guildmistress made us all these nifty-keen Lucky the Beaver favors. I just found mine and it accompanied me on my journey. It's fabulous, suits the car so...

*sigh* I miss faire. I miss the road, too....

what the hell is a Rogue?!-
It's like EVERYWHERE in Oregon, Rogue River, Valley of the Rogue, there's more but I forget...

I Heart 24hrs.-
Oooh, I sooooo do, it's all about convenience. It all goes back to my user friendly theory. Great, just great.

no more turning back-
It is so hard when you get back far enough in the direction of home when the possibility of veering away from life as you know it ceases to exist. It's painful when things start looking familiar again. All you can do to keep from crying is to dream of the time when you can escape once again.

porn on 5-
Who knew there were so many porn stores on 5? Honestly? I think I saw more porn stores than Wal-Marts! Can you just IMAGINE?! Icky, filthy trucker porn stores. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

state lines-
There's something exciting and blissful about crossing state lines. Maybe it's reminiscent of Smokey and the Bandit, where technically The Fuzz can't reach you, maybe it's the distance you've put between you and your life. I don't know, but it's exhilarating.

iceburg lettuce-
Only in America could we come up with an unhealthy vegetable. Mmmm...

Homeward Bound-
As I got closer and closer to home I felt worse and worse. I wanted to be home because I had a hot date. *smiles broadly* I love welcome home parties. But deep down I knew that the party would only go on so long, and then I'd really be home. See, I guess I didn't really want to be home, I just wanted the hot date. At any rate, I was really very sad. I didn't want the road to lead home yet, hell, maybe at all. So I was driving through I don't know where, not quite Lake County somewhere, and I needed mellow music to suit my melancholy state. I chose Simon and Garfunkel (sp?) and Homeward Bound came on. I listened to Paul Simon singing about being places where he didn't recognize anyone, and how he wanted to go home to familiar faces and loved ones. At first I balked at the notion, and then it hit me. One of the things I treasure most in life is knowing people and being known by a select few. It is this kind of emotional intimacy that keeps me from going mad. I enjoy certain people, many of you that read this blog, among others. And so I realized that I couldn't have it both ways, I couldn't have the peace and clarity that the road brings and the familiarity of home. I still didn't want to go home, I don't want to be home now, but it made it a lot less miserable to return. It kinda gave me something to appreciate, actually.

Sal Monella Returns

Okay, so I know that you haven't gotten the rest of the road trip yet, but give me time. Yesterday was horrible and the day before was crazy. Today may or may not be horrible, depending. It has to be a little better than yesterday though, I can tell ya that. When in Idaho (we crossed over from WA just for this purpose) I bought a little tiny red eared slider turtle. He's like two inches across, very small. I named him Sal Monella, and he's very cute. Anywho, I got home from Rachel and Nick's wonderful two year anniversary camping trip and was EXHAUSTED! I checked out all the animals, Sal was doing fine at the time. Like half an hour later the lad was gone! It was all very Unsolved Mysteries. I looked everywhere all day but couldn't find so much as a toenail. Well you know how as a kid you could look for something for hours and it just wasn't fucking there and then you mother walks into the room and bodda bing it was there all the time? I was on the phone with her talking about the phone call that never came (that's a whole other blog), and the missing turtle and she told me to check back around and under the couch. I argued, saying I already had 84,000 times, but when I got off the phone I gave it a whirl, guess who was right in between the couch and the comp? Good grief. So I went down to Petco and got a carrier that seems to be cat proof. *Whew* Welcome to my life.

Time Flies

Two years ago tonight I joined myself to another person for life. I deeply meant what I vowed, but I was alone in my intent, although I wouldn't know that for a couple of months. It only lasted a bit more than three months past today. I still remember how it all started to fall apart, but it was a few weeks before I knew how bad things were. Even then, it was just a glimmer. There was, and probably is, always more lies to discover, more pain to feel. When I finally understood that I was the only one who the vows meant anything to, I decided to stay. I chose this because I always knew that when I married someone it was going to be forever, problems or no. And so I went forward knowing that I was accepting a hell of a lot of heartache for this person I loved so much. I put everything I had into that union, and it damn near killed me. I've learned a lot since then, both about what went on and about myself. I've built myself a new life, moved way, way on. I know rationally that a vow is only as good as the people making it, and one can't make it for both of them. But you know? I think that for the rest of my life I'm going to feel the shame of yet another fucked up relationship. And not just any, the only one that really mattered. At the time I remember feeling the people I cared about doubting my relationship with Kristin, and even more when we had the ceremony. I remember wanting to show them all that I could make it work. But you know? They were right. Happy two years.

Road Trip 2005-The Way Up

Well hello everyone! Honey, I'm home-o! I returned a couple days ago from my road trip up to Northeast Washington. I came back with some magnets (of course), lots of dirty laundry, and a turtle. I got him just over the border in Idaho, he's like two inches across and I've namd him Sal Monella. *smiles sweetly*

When I left home I was wound up tighter than the proverbial 8 day clock. I was in the same rut I've been in since shortly after my last road trip. I drove to I-5 on highway 20, from Cloverdale it's shorter and easier than the traditional way. As I got about halfway through Lake County (mullets are BAD! dentistry is GOOD!) I began to relax a bit, and by the time I was maybe 30 minutes up 5 I began to find the pieces of me that are beat into submission by a daily brew of stress, responsibility, and purposeful living. I don't think I was completely me again until I was a state away, but I was doing just fine, nonetheless. I did 7 hours that day, wound up in Grant's Pass, and managed 10 and some the day after, when I found myself in Spokane. I waited for Anne to get off work and we finished the drive another maybe 40 minutes to her place out in the middle of nowhere, but technically Newport. Okay, so as I drove I had time to think, lots of it, and I happened upon quite a few blog-worthy ramblings, questions, observations. I scrawled them down on my pink J note pad which was positioned conveniently below the gas gauge, and I have two sheets, one from the way up; the other, the way down. I'll list 'em, and then explain 'em after....

The Way Up (literally and figuratively)
*Mother Road's arms
*Splasher Says "Don't Swim in Canals!"
*I love I-5, I love 70mph
*church marquee things
*lonely road scholar, somethin' 'bout the open road
*Olive City
*sunflower seed breakfast

Mother Road's arms-
When life gets too anything, it's time for a visit with Mother. Mother Road, that is. Road trips, especially long ones, allow you to feel your distance from whatever plagues you. Other trips are good, travel is lovely in general. But driving lets you feel the miles curing (or at least offering temporary relief from) whatever ails you. It allows you to feel in general, really. There is a safety in being hours and hours from home and allowing yourself to feel and experience whatever you need to. Especially when you're alone. You can dream, hope, get pissed off, and cry without your "real" life oppressing the hell out of you and your emotions. It's great. The greater the distance, the safer it is. It's perfection.

Splasher Says....-
If you need an explanation, it doesn't really matter.

I love I-5, I love 70mph-
I-5 is the closest major highway to freedom. It's designed to be user friendly and efficient, wrapped up in one burly open road. I like a place where you can get a tank of gas and a pack of smoke-arettes, a haircut, a steak dinner, various electronics, and porn all in one stop. And driving 75mph to get there. Wow. *shivers with glee*

Church Marquee Things-
So I drove by this church marquee thing that said "feed your faith and your fears will starve to death." Now I know we're of many different faiths, some of us none at all. But don't you think that even if we have none, finding and feeding faith in at least ourselves would go far towards starving some of our fears? I've been watching church marquee thingys since I was 17, but this is my very favorite, the best one I've seen.

Lonely Road Scholar, somethin' 'bout the open road-
Okay, this is basically a re-emphasis of the mother road thing, but not completely. And I was never lonely, not really. Aside from the freedom to think and feel, the road holds infinite potential. You've got your drive-by dating, weird rest stops, weirder restaurants, and the best potentiality of all, anonymity. Each town brings a possibility, you're a face without a name or better yet, a past. Each town you drive through holds the opportunity of a new, totally fresh beginning. Even if it's a fleeting dream, you carry the comfort that it is an honest-to-God possibility. This is one of the best lessons of the road, and there are many. If it ever really gets to be too much you can pick up and start fresh somewhere else, behind the wheel of your car. You may not be able to leave everything behind, but most isn't bad.

Olive City-
I can't remember if this is a real place or just the nickname for Corning, where the Olive Pit is. Whatever. I want to live in Olive City. Mmmmmmmm...

Sunflower Seed Breakfast-
When on the road, one is allowed to behave in otherwise unacceptable ways. For instance eating sunflower seeds and spitting them from fast moving vehicles. I always loathed people that did such things, come to think of it I still do. But all bets are off on the road. So I taught myself how, and in doing so I learned that sunflower seeds are meant for breakfasts and late evening snacks only in the warm weather months, because that's the only time you can have the window down without being cremated in the heat. Yup.



Okay, so I was going to write this all into one blog, but you know what? It's not happening. To be continued....

Inspired by Devorah's Blog no. 62 (well, sorta...)

I promise to quit smoking (eventually). I promise to get through at least a bachelor's program in nursing. I promise to try at least a little bit to not get chewed out by people that matter at work. I promise to consider the merits of impulse control. I promise to improve my cognition that my horror at much of humanity is my issue and that it is not my job to correct humanity. I promise to always have a twisted sense of humor. I promise to always have a sense of self. I promise that my sense of self will never be one that I absorbed from whomever I might be with, but always my own. I promise to always love The Cure, road trips, cosmopolitans, and Skippy peanut butter. I promise to always love my best friends, my family (kinda redundant, I know), and cats. I promise to always love myself, even if it's not enough. I promise to always cherish my past, good or bad. I promise to knit many more damned fabulous things before I die. I promise to have travelled all of the contiguous U.S. that I care to and everywhere else I want to before I die. I promise to one day have an Airstream trailer and a '67 Mustang hardtop in silvery blue paint with white interior. I promise to be fluent in at least three languages within the next year. I promise to blog some time within the next day....

Hollaback NY

So Craig was talking about his ex, who in turn has been talking about how miserable life has been since they broke up. So Craig says "are we trying to make my week?" LMAO Too funny, too true.

So tonight I got my ass chewed out at work. This was rather on the disconcerting side at the time, but Craig put it in perspective for me. Some of the employees on night shift are liked, some are not. Craig is the charge nurse and he is liked. I am la Julie, and I am liked. What this all means is that we, as the night shift, are allowed to misbehave as much as we can without getting caught. Our boss can basically know that we misbehave, but she shouldn't have to deal with the reprocussions of it, and God help us if she does. This fuck-around policy does not, of course extend to patient care issues, and that's as it should be. But all in all it's not too bad. Tonight was my turn in the barrel with the boss, that's all. She's management, right? Isn't she supposed to be a Nazi?

I feel like today should be my midpoint of the week and it isn't. It was the first of a four day stretch, and that isn't cool at all. I hate working extra, it's so no fun.

Hmm, this entry has gone nowhere fast. I'm going to bed. Buenos noches....

bamboo I love you!

So I think I'm ready to start yet another blog. I kow, I know. I already have two live and (I think) 3 dead blogs, but this is different. Okay, the new address is:

www.smittenknittin.blogspot.com

I know, none of you care, but what the hell....

start your engines....

Woohooo! We have a road trip! Out of state, even! I'm going to Washington and all points in between. I'm going to go see my aunt and uncle in Seattle, my cousin in Newport, my hot pastor in Portland maybe, Mumsy in Longview, and whomever else I can wrangle up on the way. Smashing! I have to figure out the timing of said trip, with school starting it's all kinda complicated. *sigh* Ohhh this is going to be cool.

I Like a Man that Says He Smokes Crack

I don't so much care for men that actually do. Or women, come to think of it. Soooo, what to do? What to do tonight, what to do with my vacation? What to do in general? So many questions, so few answers. I wonder if Miguel is coming road tripping with me? Yipes, yet another question. I kinda don't think so. So then, maybe Mel? *Sigh* Maybe I'll go to Washington, maybe I'll go south. I'd really like to go to the Grand Canyon, but I haven't got the money to go there by myself, I'd hafta share the cost of that little expedition. *frowns* Blah.

Motorcycling is fabulous, so you know. I think I could possibly become used to it.

I'm horrified

I'm horrified in general, and wanting today to be over. It'll be a good day, but if tomorrow turns out how it's supposed to, tomorrow will be better. I'm horrified about the usual money stuff, that never goes away. The new and exciting horror is that I've finished Harry Potter. Good Lord! I cried, it's all so awful. How the hell are we going to wait another couple years! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! So traumatic. And what about when that book comes out? It's the last one. What will give my life purpose after that? Egads. Frightening, isn't it?

Tonight should be a good night at work, we have the A Team. For the moment, this consists of Craig, Frank, Marisol, and yours truly. We were operating under such conditions last friday when Frank left early and left us with Thomas as coverage. We then became the A- Team. *Sigh* But not tonight. We'll have fun I think.

Tomorrow I have a date to go motorcycling. Crazy, huh? It's a cooler date than I've been on in a long time. I'm stoked as hell, I've never been on a motorcycle. Keen. I also have to go to a meeting on foster parenting and go to my housesitting job. I'm interested to see what the foster people have to say, not so interesting in housesitting. Can't win 'em all, huh?

So Gotti and I went to the fair yesterday, courtesy of Stacy Without an E. We had a fabulous time. We went to the races, which I've decided are borderline exquisite, we saw the world's largest pig (which just looks like pig, so you know) ate, saw the tacky exhibits, ate some more, won a goldfish at one of the tacky games (entrez Monsieur Swimmy!), saw a few people, loaded up on more horrible food, and then went home. It was loverly. The day was perfect, not too hot, thank God. It still managed to be exhausting as hell, but it was fun anyway.

*yawnnnn* I don't know what I'm doing up this early, I really don't.

music: Caress Me Down, Sublime

So I'm housesitting for my parents for the weekend. It's kinda nice in a way, feels like I'm back home, which of course I am. Next week I'm housesitting for some friends of theirs. *Sigh* And school starts. And vacation. Blah. I need to keep reminding myself that it's all going to be okay. I don't even like the people I'm housesitting for next week, and for the two weeks after that as well (during my vacation). I can certainly use the money, though. Good grief. I'm feeling ever more doomed to staying home and doing NOTHING for my two weeks off, save starting school and worrying about how I'm going to buy books. Fuck.

The other good thing about housesitting at my mom and dad's is that I can do laundry whenever the hell I feel like it. Yaaaayyyy!!!!! Not everything sucks! *whew*

So today is Rachel's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! I feel like hell 'cause I can't really get her anything. For my birthday she got me something I'd wanted since high school. For her birthday I haven't got much of anything. *sigh* Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........

I need a Xanax.

I had a fucked up day. Yep. I walked in to find that Jan the Inept Nurse had totally messed up my pod and put me behind schedule for the rest of the day. 3 out of 4 of my afternoon patients were tremendous pains in the ass. I went out to buy gas only to find that I was in fact overdrawn. I got bitched at by my boss. I'm exhausted, I tortured two of my favorite patients. My friend Spencer lost his job because KSRO couldn't bear having one talented personality within its walls. They are only into ignorant, talentless dolts. Spencer doesn't fit that description. Should I go on?

So it's 8 days until I start my vacation. I am determined to do something, get away from here. Go anywhere, as long as it's far away. I require it for my sanity. The
hard part is that I have no money and likely no one to road trip with. And yet I am determined. Anyone wanna go and help me share the cost? I'll go anywhere.

Okay, it's nearly 2am and I'm getting rather on the tired side, but I have to gush about the absolutely ex-fucking-quisite production of The Full Monty Craig and I saw tonight at SRT. Ohhhh it was sooooo fucking fabulous! I love love loved it. And we saw psycho Shavon and just as psycho Kristin (a Satellite expatriate) while we were there. What a couple of wackjobs. If I hadn't worn myself out laughing about it with el Craig I'd tell it again. Maybe tomorrow. Or today. You know what I mean. IT was also Stitch 'n Bitch no. 1 today. I only had one lady come, the rest flaked or were on vacation, but we had the most wonderful time. I adooooored it, and I can see why so many people across the country are so into it. Okay, off I head in the very general direction of bed.